Humor from your friends at Pelican Landing       Updated 02/10/2008

Here are a few things to think about while you are relaxing.......

 Can you cry under water?

Contestants for My Best My Last Picture  Wes Stead  4/6/06

Word Scramble from Wes Stead  3/22/06

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
 

WHO SAID GOLF IS COMPLICATED?

 
Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in
the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his  left elbow
pointed in toward the left hip and his right arm loose and closer to the body
than the left and take the club head past his right knee and then break the
wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight
back from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body and the hips come
around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the
weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the right - not an ounce
more or less - and at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in
toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground
but not too far and be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe
more than the heel except that the left side of the right foo is tilted off the
ground - but not too far - and be sure the hands at the top of the swing are
high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if its a
downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too and pause at the
top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell
ringer yanking a belfry rope and don't uncock the wrists too soon and pull the
left hip around in a circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips -
they have to be facing the hole and now transfer the weight 60 percent to the
left foot and 40 percent to the right - not an ounce more or less - and tilt the
left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you hit
against) watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too
stiff or the shot won't go anywhere and don't let it get loose or you will hook,
then let the wrists uncock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot and
don't break too soon but keep your head down then hit the ball!

 
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!! . .

 
Unless you move your head, then you're screwed!!!!
 

Women as Explained by Engineers

 The following was submitted by a friend together with the comment .
"A Tale of Two Cows (and global stereotypes).  FUNNY and Sad at the same time!"
 

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then the government pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. 

  You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman (or handsome man).
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and then you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and then you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They  make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals. 

   Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

       Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Men, Beware of that DOG
    A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when
    she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
    cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
    hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
    was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a
    short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
    The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached
    the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and
    I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
    funeral like this.
    Whose funeral is it?"
    My husband's."
    'What happened to him?"
    The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
    She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
    The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
    husband when the dog turned on her."
    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
    women. "Can I borrow the dog?"
    "Get in line."
 

There are 700,000 physicians in the US.
There are 120,000 accidental deaths caused by physicians each year.
The rate of deaths per physician is 0.171
The number of people in America who own guns is 80,000,000
There are 1500 accidental gun deaths a year.
Thus the rate per gun owner is 0.000188
Doctors are 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor. Please alert your friends. We must ban doctors.
As a public health measure we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock would cause people to seek medical attention.
 

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey  game.  At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? "  asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. "

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
 The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.  So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). 

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and  the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
 Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom  where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and  says, . . . "Ticket, please. "

SMART FOLKS, WE CANADIANS eh?

A  lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing" ."What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.

A  frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan and take a holiday"

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.  The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure.  I have this", and produces a tiny procelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as a collateral".

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what in the world is this"?

(you're going to love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

It's a knicknack, Patty Wack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone".

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

      So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T